One of the most frustrating features, to me, of having bipolar disorder is the inconsistency of my symptoms. That may sound odd since since by definition bipolar disorder is a switch between mania and depression with mixed and "normal" states thrown in for good measure. Where the frustration comes from is that I am medicated.
I take three medications to help keep my mood in check. They do work; I have not been happy manic nor severely depressed since my last hospital stay (March 2008 in case, like Mr. MFBA, you are keeping count) but I still cycle. I don't have enough happy to suit me and my ability to cope is nearly non-existent.
By cope with things, I mean little every day things. Big things (Mr. MFBA losing his job) I handle with relative ease while small things (losing the car keys) leave my enraged and crying. The anxiety and pressure I feel about having to do things or go places has become almost unbearable.
I have given up my Girl Scout troop, did not sign up for a single position to help in Not-So-Baby H's classroom, turned down the requests to really get involved with the P.T.O. (seems they like vocal people), and dumped any other commitment that requires my time. While I am perfectly fine once I am at my destination and usually enjoy myself, gynecologist notwithstanding, it is an exercise in craziness calming to get there.
I can do one thing a day. One! Do you have any idea how impractical that is in a family of 5 plus 6 furry creatures? If I have therapy there can be nothing else scheduled for the day or it can only occur if Mr. MFBA is here to handle whatever it may be. One class, one lesson, one appointment; the length or distance of the "event" does not matter.
Today is a two day thing, Girl Scout meeting which I must attend to meet the leader and give her my paperwork from last year and group. Rationally I know this is not much but I already have a headache. It didn't used to be this way.
I hate to say it but I am truly hoping there is a pill to "fix" this stage. I don't want to work through it or examine what could be the root cause. I just want it to go away.
*As always, these statements reflect my opinions and dealings with the illness.
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