Going backwards; that's the wrong direction

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder Mr. MFBA and I were equally ill-equipped to handle the new world that would become our lives. I painfully watched as he went through the stages of grief: denial, inward anger, outward anger, depression, and acceptance.

This was made far more difficult for me because I had to "watch out" for myself. We were both going through the process but neither of us was on the same page. I resented that he did not believe the diagnosis; I hated him for not coming to the hospital even though he could have done nothing but sit for hours in the waiting room, and most of all it infuriated me that he was unwilling to help me.

With a year of perspective, I have come to see that he was not unwilling to help me but he did not know how. That feeling left him powerless over a disorder he did not understand and did not want to try to understand. Just like my mom, he wanted to normalize bipolar disorder; make it something as common as situational depression.

I joked with my therapist that I was the most self-aware bipolar person in existence. It certainly felt that way and at times it still does. Mr. MFBA is starting to pick up on the subtle mood changes that occur as I am about to enter a manic phase but he gets frustrated that he cannot do anything to diffuse the oncoming ride.

Before his acceptance I did not discuss my moods with him. There was no mention of the skin crawling, the heightened sense of hearing, the extravagant and hidden shopping and returning, etc. What he knew was that I was an irritable bitch that bit his head off at every turn. He also knew that I was so elated that I could barely see beyond myself. Once acceptance set in I began to talk about my moods (including the suicidal ideation*). He seemed ready to support me so I figured it was time to just be honest.

I cannot properly express how much I miscalculated. Full disclosure has sent him right back to grief and anger. The medicine for his depression is no longer enough, my attitude toward my disorder scares him, he feels isolated and pissed at the world for saddling him with a wife that will only get worse over time.** With each medicine change that does not work he withdraws more.

Once again, I am angry that he cannot give me the support I need. It is a vicious cycle and I cannot wait for it to be broken.

*I simply love that official term; it makes it seem so clinical.
**Bipolar disorder typically becomes worse with age.